July 30, 1:45 P.M.
SILVER SPRING, M.D. — “Nowhere is safe!” coffee-lover and Maryland resident, Cindy Liu, exclaimed, as she furiously stumbled out of Peet’s Coffee & Tea off East-West Highway. Her dim-sum escapade with her best friend and self-proclaimed therapist, Brian Le, had turned into traumatic disaster following a whole new kind of “dick pic”–this time, via latte art.
“I couldn’t believe what was happening,” Le scoffed, sipping cold brew. “Cindy just wanted to be #basic and drink an iced chai, not be harassed with foamed milk.”
According to Liu, the two had spotted a “cute” bear design on a ready-poured latte at the café. After they complimented the Peet’s barista’s handiwork, the barista (who shall remain anonymous until his employment is terminated) proceeded to pull out his iPhone. He thumbed to a photo of, unmistakably, latte art in the shape of a penis, complete with testicles. “I usually do better art, like this one,” the barista smirked. Liu recoiled in alarm, eyes flashing “what the fuck?” at Le. Le, fully aware that the barista intended to make a move on Liu, quickly followed her out of the café.
“She was hysterical,” Le recalls. “She was like, ‘oh, my GOD, I literally thought it was a swan before I realized he was hitting on me, not with a dick pic, but pretending he’s all better and artsy with his latte art dick!'”
Fellow scorned women from all over the globe, friends, and relatives began sending their condolences. “Wait what in the literal fuck / Whyyyyy / Ew how did you respond / That’s so gross,” typed Sukriti Ghosh. “Omg wtf / that’s some creepy shit / find a shell / and live in it / only leaving to hunt for bigger shells,” advised Kevin Chau. “SHIELD YOUR EYES EVERYONE BECAUSE UNSOLICITED DICK PICS COMIN’ AT YOU FROM MORE THAN JUST YOUR DM’S,” screamed Emelia Suljic. “This is very aggressive,” remarked Remy van Dobben de Bruyn. “I can’t believe it / it’s a new low / And I thought there were no more lows left to go,” rhymed Serina Chang, before sagaciously adding, “Nothing ever prompts an unsolicited dick.” “Wait that’s SO CREEPY, he just pulled out his phone and showed you a pic of a dick?!??! W T F! Eeeeeeekkk!!” squealed Victoria Wang. “I wonder what he was thinking — like is there any universe in which someone responds positively to that?” said a friend, who asked to remain anonymous. “Nobody has the right to treat my daughter like that,” Liu’s father grumbled. “She cannot even go to the coffee shop now!” her mother exclaimed. “🤮🤮🤮🤢🤢🤢😡😡😡🙄🙄🙄,” her brother, Calvin, texted. “这简直是太过分了!” her grandmother shrieked.
The latest insult follows on the heels of an entire history of womankind questioning, protesting, indicting, and burning the incompetence of men. For Liu, that history is all-too-recent, given another harassment encounter two weeks ago, when a Whole Foods employee unsolicitedly asked her, “How are you, sweetheart? Need help finding anything?” and responded to her silence with, “How’s it going? Shopping today?” As if persistent wage gaps, ceilings of all kinds, normalized objectification, occupational segregation, tokenism, gender bias, and rape were not enough, avoiding coffee shops and the inability to choose cheese in peace now also encompass the female experience in a patriarchal world.
Liu has notified Peet’s Customer Service, and expects to speak with a district leader for a “high priority” case in the next few days. “I’m grateful that Amber, the customer service representative, was attentive, understanding, and patient, and took my complaint seriously,” Liu said. “At least there’s one Peet’s employee who knows how to do her job.”
The barista declined to comment, but his friend, Fragile Masculinity, said, “Dude, it’s just those fuckin’ feminists again. I don’t see what’s so bad about what he did. It’s not his fault he’s so insecure about the size of his own dick that he had to overcompensate by making a latte dick with extra foam, then using it to hit on random women.”
Women everywhere contributed additional reporting to this article. We would like to thank Anonymous Barista for reminding us that the only thing he should be pouring from now on is male tears.